Posts

Losing Myself in Distraction

 It is funny that it has been exactly three months since I stopped writing and blogging. Maybe this post should indicate that was more a break than an actual stop. If you go back and read through my August posts it is clear that I was struggling to maintain a positive, healthy mental state. Looking back I am certain that I made both good and bad moves to try and do something about it. I didn’t realize I was losing my connection to myself.  The big lesson from quarter four of 2023 (and maybe the entire year) for me has been that treating the symptoms of a problem is not the same thing as getting healthy. To belabor that metaphor, you can keep a cough under control with enough Luden’s Wild Cherry and DayQuil, but if you don’t get antibiotics to cure the underlying infection you are going to stay sick. I have spent quite a lot of time and money treating the symptoms of my stress, depression, and unhappiness. The underlying infection was just festering and spreading.  That is what really d

I am done blogging.

 

Ennui

I think it is time to admit to myself that I have been in a depression for a while now. I am going to put an interesting label on my depression and call it functional depression. That is to say I am going to work. I am keeping house. I am parenting. I am functional. I have even been analyzing myself and claiming that I am not and have not been depressed.  The thing is I have been stuck in a rut. Myself care has been a little lax. I am not keep shaved. I am not dressing as nice as I should for work. I haven't been getting my hair cut. Those things aren't big red flags. I mean I am still bathing and keeping up the general hygiene. I am pretty shaggy at the best of times so externally people cannot look at me and know I am depressed.  The biggest red flag that I have been noticing is having a hard time getting myself motivated to go do things. I have friends who are going through major losses and here I am struggling to get up and get myself into gear. When I started beating mysel

The Arcade of Life

 I have had a lifelong love affair with video games. It started with video arcades. On second thought, that isn't really where I played my first coin operated games. It started with arcade cabinets in places like Pizza Hut, the Bowling Alley, and even in a few diners.  I remember clearly the day my little brain put together the concept that I needed money to actually play. I was standing on a stool moving the joystick and smashing buttons on a Galaga  cabinet. During my stunning performance the leader board suddenly flashed across the screen. I let go of the controls. When "play" resumed (also known as the game's demo screens) my ship went back to deftly firing without me pushing a single button.  I had been duped. In the inquisition that followed my Mom and Dad were amused at my discomfiture. Dad patiently explained how quarters operated the machine. He good naturedly let me have a real play and I will never forget him saying something along the lines of," I was

Happiness through digital bullets

 I suspect I need to write another emotional post because I am not processing fully. Realizing that, I got myself up early this morning. I spent some time of self care. Then I made myself a nice breakfast of scrambled eggs with a few slices of Spam. I shaved. I realized I need a haircut, but that will be waiting for a while. I cleaned up my office a bit. Then I sat down and had a long debate with myself on if I should write this post, toy with my Steam Deck, or play some Diablo 4.  Diablo 4 won out. It often does. I played for a bit and then got to work on some of the real world stuff that needs my attention. I did a little eBay work. I cleaned and organized the house a bit. I conceptualized a really neat idea to change up my bedroom. Then I got my Steam Deck out for a bit of an update.  I enjoy my Playstation 5 although I am not the primary user. Ashley plays some games on it. Teagan has put hours into Astro's Playroom and a bit of Hogwart's Legacy. I enjoy that she is enthusi

Complacency

 My writer's block solution for having started this post three times was to walk outside with my sub compact 9mm and to empty two magazines on to my 3/8" steel target. I don't know understand or know if there is actual neuroscience to back up how this works, but something about drawing my weapon, getting on target, and squeezing off the shots in a steady rhythm focuses me completely.  My heart rate, which I checked on my watch, speeds up a bit. I suppose it could just be getting my blood pumping.  You might be asking yourself at this point what has me struggling to write. If not, let me say that I am struggling with it for the first time in quite a long time. My blog is often an exercise is what I am carefully avoiding saying. Repression is bad for the soul. Still, I don't write here to unburden my soul. It is public and I know it (clap my hands.)  I think tonight I am just going to try a little vulnerability. Yep. I am going to spill the tea just a little bit. That is

Movie Nostalgia the 60s to the early 80s.

 I set myself a goal of getting all of the 1980s movies that had some relevance to me by the end of the week. I finished it early Sunday morning in those thin hours when I should have been sleeping. The interesting part of this exercise was two fold. First, I didn't watch most of these movies in the 1980s unless I stumbled across parts of them in scrolling through cable channels as a kid. There are exceptions. I haven't watched Flash Gordon as an adult in spite of Ted  reminding me that I likely should.  Secondly, I started in 1980. I very quickly found myself working through the years backward all the way to 1937. Disney animated films have a long history and I am a fan. I didn't add that whole list here because while I did see lots of those movies in the 80s I cannot say they are my favorite films. I don't mind watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs by any means. Is it part of the quintessential David film experience that I would recommend? Meh.  1968 Night of the L